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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Name:
Location: California, United States

Sunday, August 20, 2006

It Was So Innocent

Someone made a very innocent comment about me today. And it was a gut punch like I have not felt in quite some time.

For some reason, it took me back to the time my youngest sister would not speak to me. It was for a period of about 5 years. After the fact, she would not tell me what precipitated this.

I remember at one point that she was very angry with me, demanding to know who L. was. "Who is she to you? What does she mean to you?"

L. and I were lovers. I did not tell my sister this but it must have been quite apparent. She would not ask me at the time. Somehow, I think she thought that I had made a fool of her or betrayed her in some way by not telling her this. I suppose I will never know.

I do remember the terror at the thought of being rejected by my family. My mother was a clinical social worker. When I went home for the funeral, I noticed that she had quite a few books about homosexuality being a mental illness.

Somehow, that innocuous comment today brought into sharp focus this kaleidescope of pain. I rarely share it or show it.

L. left me saying that she "loved me but wasn't in love with me". My sister rejected me, in part because she felt rejected by my failure to share my truth with her.

The short answer to the comment/question is that I would rather be alone than to dive into that pool of pain again.

9 Comments:

Blogger Ting's Tang said...

((((((Pam))))))

Sorry


*big Hugs

4:01 AM PDT  
Blogger d said...

Oh sweetie.

Freud once wrote something on love that I can't get out of my head. Basically saying that there is no greater pain than losing the love of our loved one(s) - yet we continue to love.

I'm one of those people who have tried to keep people at a distance. To an extent I still do this, but have found it just doesn't work. No matter how hard I tried not to lose myself to love, or to care about someone - it just never worked. Human nature - it's impossible not to love, to want to be loved.

I don't want to go too far here, to offer unwanted advice - I just wanted to say, I understand, to send you a big ol' hug and to say that I hope one day you can love and be loved. You deserve it.

6:13 AM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

Caly, there is nothing to be sorry about. *hugs*

Thanks d. I don't know what the world has in store for me. This is an old tape that I didn't realize was still there. I thought I had left it in the past but there it is... right in front of me again.

8:07 AM PDT  
Blogger Sandra said...

loving is bittersweet at it's core, no matter how you look at it.
whether it is mutual or unrequited, it doesn't matter. yet we still look to love.
i guess we just need to feel.
i'm sorry about the punch in the gut yesterday. i hope the pain has dulled.
sometimes we do need to be alone.. - sometimes.
i hope your sister has come around since then.
warm hugs to you.

8:50 AM PDT  
Blogger Kim said...

Some people are willing to let you be you and to love you for it. But others have agendas or images we cant live up to. We can be left feeling disappointed and disappointING.. which really cuts a wound.

I hope you consider yourself healing, in spite of your recent knock.

Besides, WE love you.
~

11:19 AM PDT  
Blogger scout said...

I was estranged from my extended family, at my mother's will, for five years after I came out. I think of it now as my period of exile, like I had committed some crime that called for my ostracism. When I came back into the fold it was as if I was being accepted despite who I am. I think we all yearn to be loved because of who we are, and there are those people in our lives who will never understand how painful it is to hear the phrase "I love you, but…"

You have a good soul, and you deserve love in kind.

11:37 AM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

Many of us have a pool of pain Sandra that we sometimes tap into accidentally. It's OK. And I'm OK now too. My sister has come around as best she can.

Her journey was not easy either. We lost our mom and stepdad in an accident shortly before all of this. We were trying to fill a hole that could not be filled and to heal with inadequate tools. What I learned was that I had to be OK with her being angry with me without without sending that anger back in her direction.

Kim. *smooches*

Thank you Scout. There is a part of me that simply never understood why life could not go on as before when I made that "little announcement." But it felt as though my voice dropped into a great void; a chasm of 30 years that has never been crossed.

7:09 PM PDT  
Blogger Sandra said...

pam, i hope my comment didn't come off as insensitive. of course i have a pool of my own, that i fall into more often than i want to. your response leaves me wondering if my intent didn't come across. that's the trouble with writing instead of face to face communication sometimes... i wasn't trying to preach. i was just feeling your pain.
best to you. i'm glad you're okay. on the other hand...if i've misread your response, forgive me for that, i just wanted to make sure i didn't come across wrong. aack! digging...

7:22 PM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

(((((Sandra))))) Not at all insensitive. It was probably my response. Sometimes I bounce off what someone else has said and continue with my thoughts. And you got me thinking some more :o)

Don't dig! Unless, of course, there's gold at the end of your shovel.

7:16 AM PDT  

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