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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


I hear the crystaline sound of breaking glass; light and musical in the back office. Laughing, they brush up the shards and then she speaks longingly of the hot green tea that she had been about to drink.

Hours later I awake from the dreamless sleep of exhaustion, those fragile shards lodged in my heart. In that place where motherhood took root but did not flower, I sense the familiar ache of loss. I can still feel the silken skin of her arms wrapped around my neck. Her small white hands pat my back as if to comfort me.

Her damp curls brush my cheek and the salt of her angry tears is on my lips. I feel the surprisingly sensual pull of her physical nearness. The slightly sour smell of her illness mixed with the sweet smell of lotion and shampoo.

Alone in that house with the child who would be mine. The hum and whir of her machines a lullabye that rock my sleep, still haunt my dreams.

The heavy quilt that grief has woven covers me some days like a shroud. She is alive and well and loved. Yet in that single moment, she is real only to me. Unknown by my family she exists in my memory as though she is only some fantasy of my childless yearning.

There was joy there somewhere. As she recedes further and further away from me, I try to remember the joy.


Blogger ~ nellenelle said...

Wonderful piece of writing, and...


7:20 PM PDT  
Blogger KMae said...

Damn. So so sad.

9:19 PM PDT  
Blogger Vanda said...

Pam thatis so sad. Hugs sweetie.

3:11 AM PDT  
Blogger kitty litter said...

thou pullest on the heart strings Pammy....big hug

5:33 AM PDT  
Blogger Ting said...

((((((huge hugs))))))

6:25 AM PDT  
Blogger just me said...

That has left me near tears this morning Pam. Hugest of (((hugs)))

9:35 AM PDT  
Blogger scout said...


10:33 AM PDT  
Blogger Ting's Tang said...

You hold her forever with your words.. (((((Pam)))))


3:02 PM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

Thanks everyone. She changed my life in ways unimagined.

6:42 PM PDT  
Blogger Mocha said...

Ugh and Ooooohhhh. I'm altogether sickened by the ugly loss in death and encouraged by the powerful love you had.

Luckily, love outlasted the other feeling.

Beautiful stuff, Pam. Beautiful.

6:46 PM PDT  

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