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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I Don't Care Who You Sleep With

(Angry Dyke Alert)

This has got to be the dumbest thing that straight people utter when they find out you're queer. The first time someone actually said that to me, I was floored. Then it pissed me off.

It took me awhile to figure out why that response made me so angry. I thunk on that 'til my head was about to explode when it finally occurred to me to ask "Why don't you care who I sleep with? I thought we were friends?"

If you're my friend, I care who you sleep with. I don't care if it's a man or a woman. I don't need to know the details of your sex life. But I care that it's someone who makes you happy. Someone who loves you and who lights up your life. Someone who is present when you need them and who understands your little pieces of personal wierdness.

Imagine you're 16 and Tommy asks you to the prom. The proper response of your friends generally goes something like this:

*squeal* Did he kiss you? Do you like him? Is he cute?

Being 16, they will eventually ask you if you plan on "doing it" with him. This is normal. But we are not 16 anymore.

Imagine that you are 25 and Bob asks you to marry him. Instead of asking about wedding plans, honeymoons, houses and how many children you want, your friends and family are picturing the 2 of you having sex. Because isn't that what relationships are all about?

Truly, I don't care with whom you have casual sex either. Unless it's my girlfriend. But to reduce my sexual identity to nothing more than bedroom activities is insulting. And the message is that I have this life out there that matters to you. And one dirty little secret that is better kept quiet.

When I first started to come out, I found myself surrounded by people who told me I was still OK despite being gay. Like I was a disabled person who had to overcome a major handicap.

I was confused and frightened enough that I halfway bought it. Eventually though, I began to question what I had done to suddenly have partial citizenship thrust upon me.

Here's a news flash: God made me. The Universe gave me intelligence, wit and talent. Along with an attraction to women. I didn't study up on homosexuality and decide that was the "lifestyle" I wanted.

And by the way, a life style is what you read about in Better Homes & Gardens. It is not about which gender rocks your world.

It is not all about sex.


Blogger just me said...

I couldn't agree more.
Nothing in life is just about 1 thing, ever.

And damn I missed out on a porn link.

9:59 AM PDT  
Blogger Syd said...

I agree with you, but I've never had anybody say the "who you sleep with" thing to me. The Lifestyle shit though is HUGE peeve of mine!!

11:56 AM PDT  
Blogger SassyFemme said...

So very well said!

5:32 PM PDT  
Blogger Cheryl said...


9:23 PM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

So sorry JM ;^) If you really want the porn link, just take the word coffee out of the url. But it's just another dumb pornography site. I'd rather watch cartoons. LOL!

Syd! Don't even get me started on Life STYLE. It makes me crazy.

Thanks Sassy and Cheryl. :o)

7:44 AM PDT  
Blogger ~ nellenelle said...

All people think about when dissing us are the damn things that go on in intimacy. They don't think about any other aspect of relationships or life, like we don't get our arses out of bed, shower, and if we have kidlets, deal with their needs... and on through the day. It always seems they think we leave some sort of secret exotic life the rest of the world cannot fathom... except the intimacy.

As for coming out, oooooh. I floored a herd and a half.

7:59 PM PDT  
Blogger ~ nellenelle said...

BTW, I went round on the whole lifestyle word usage last week on the politics board. I asked some turkey not to use it, and still they persist.

8:00 PM PDT  
Blogger El G├╝ero said...

Lifestyle my ass. My gayness is in my heart, soul and genes. I decorate my lifestyle. I am my gayness.

10:31 PM PDT  
Blogger kris said...

You could smile sweetly and respond with, "Thank you dear, I don't care who you sleeep with either". marvelous!

12:14 AM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

El guero that is so beautiful You're a poet my friend.

*snicker* You're right Kris. Actually, no one has said that in a long time but I'll file the suggestion away for future reference.

7:17 AM PDT  

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