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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Monday, June 12, 2006

The Blue Funks

Haven't posted in a few days, primarily because I had nothing interesting to say. I did a lot of web surfing and blog hopping. Collected lots of interesting snippets. Enjoyed a few laughs and got my blood stirring with some reports of the usual injustices.

But I simply did not have it in me to post. I realized that the Blue Funks had me by the short hairs.

The Blue Funks put you right down into the depths of self pity and self loathing. The old tapes start playing and before you know it you're a snot nosed mess:

Not good enough. Not organized enough. Lazy. Unloveable. Not nice. A failure...

If I could put those tapes to music I'd have a great country song. But I wasn't born that talented so I was forced to find other ways to cope. One of the good things about being my age and having nearly 3 decades on the couch is that I know the Blue Funks won't last forever. My mother used to call stuff like that "regression in the service of the ego."

There's something roiling around there in my empty pea brain but it will be awhile before I figure it out. Life, apparently, is a series of bumps in the road. So I forced myself to do a few constructive activities.

I had my nails done. I had my hair cut. Both way overdue. I shopped for groceries. I finished half of my CEU's to renew my nursing license. I did the dishes. I half heartedly mopped my kitchen floor.

But mostly I played with the dog, read, and watched some movies. I did make a Starbucks run for one of those scrumptious banana mocha frappuccinos. (Oh yeah. You're fat and you're mother dresses you funny).

It never helps that on most Sundays (don't ask me why) my nurses harass me from morning to night. Most of it yesterday was forgiveable. They are so stressed out with the overtime that it's necessary to prop them up emotionally to keep them going.

Here it is, Monday morning. While I'm not exactly prepped and ready to do battle, I do feel more or less human. So. Fortified with Starbucks Papua New Guinea I'm ready to face the workplace.

Wish me luck comadres and compadres. And may all of your Blue Funks be short lived.


Blogger just me said...

I've been wondering about you. I'm happy to hear you feel more or less human again. Any good movies?

9:20 AM PDT  
Blogger Ting's Tang said...

Pam, you say you dont have any talent, but I say you could be a writer. You have a way of making even the funks sounds wonderful!



4:00 PM PDT  
Blogger Mocha said...

MUST I entertain you with a handstand while whistling that song from "Bridge on the River Kwai"? Ok. I'll do it.

And then I'll put a lampshade on my head and dance to some disco music. Or would you prefer Stevie Wonder? Because that man ROCKED and wrote some cool shit.

FINE. I'll fix you a drink and we'll shoot the shit. Whaddya say?

9:51 PM PDT  
Anonymous Katy said...

Well, sometimes the funk is where you are--I prefer the drunk, but I've been in the funk as well.

You've reminded me how badly I need a pedicure--My to-do list for tomorrow is forming.


10:17 PM PDT  
Blogger Sandra said...

Pam, I have days like that all the time - I think it's actually GOOD for the soul.
Hugs and Love, Sandra

10:50 PM PDT  
Blogger Sandra said...

I'm glad you posted. It sure is hard to stop the old tapes once we hit the play button, but like you said, experience gives you some advantage. When you're twenty and in these moods it always seems so ominous and intense. As we mature, we get to know those old patterns. It helps us to know it will pass. I hope things pick up soon!

12:45 AM PDT  
Blogger Kim said...

Wish I could sing.. then I could do the blues with style. As it is, I just croon to myself knowing that, before too long, this will pass. Make sure you get some sunshine, Pammie. They say it helps. Much Love ~ Nony

2:26 AM PDT  
Blogger ~ nellenelle said...


Mah brain has been in sort of the same space as well... feeling human is a start, eh? Hope your day went well...

5:33 AM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

Hi JM! I'm feeling more human every day. I watched Duma which was very sweet. I also watched Uzpitshin which was moving and delightful.

LOL Caly! Is that talent or just plain being a little nuts?

You made me laugh Kelly. Stevie ROCKED! Let's drink and try to sing along karaoke style ;^)

If you're ever in the funk again Katy, we'll grab Mocha, have us some pedicures, and then go find some of them giant margaritas she writes about so eloquently ;^)

I agree Sandra. It is good for the soul. It's a yin and yang thing. We must go into the depths to find the light. *hugs*

True Sandra. And the older I get, the easier it gets to push the stop button. But like Sandralea says, sometimes it's good to let them play for a bit.

(((Nony))) Sing those blues grrlfriend. Then you can come with Katy, Kelly and me to that bar in Chicago ;^)

Aw! (((((hugs)))) back Nelle.

6:45 AM PDT  
Anonymous Sherri said...

Pam...everybody gets the funk now and then....just gotta walk through it, sometimes with baby steps..and you'll come out the otherside.

You are absolutely talented, or I'd not read your blog.

Oh, and let me know when the giant margaritas are happening.

8:14 AM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

Thanks Sherri! We'll make sure you get an invite to the margarita festival ;^)

6:44 PM PDT  

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