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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Monday, May 29, 2006

Holiday Fun

Keeping in mind that Memorial Day is a solemn occasion, I trolled the web to see how others were observing the day. It seems that my mind must be permanently in the gutter as all those whom I admire seem to be doing The Nasty in one form or another.

This weekend:

Cheryl is observing National Masturbation Month. It seems that Saturday someone was having a Masturbate-a-thon. Sounds like fun. Sorry I missed it.

Barnyardmama is most likely making googly eyes and other things with her husband. At least I hope she is. He's been elsewhere for awhile.

Pat Kirby is tripping on horses. We all know that this is the adolescent grrl's favorite pre-sex experience.

And Jaz, having spent her first 2 years on the planet Cat-less, has suddenly discovered the joys of chasing the cat around the house full tilt boogie and barking like a mad dog. It's got to be the doggie equivalent of a really good orgasm.

I'm certainly not getting any this weekend. In fact, I just blew my most recent chance by spiraling into a depression after Maggie died. But it does remind me of a story.

A couple of years ago, I was getting my annual pap smear from a Nurse Practitioner, another NursePam oddly enough. I reminded her that she hurt me on our previous encounter and to please use a smaller speculum this time. She asked me how long since I had had sex and I said "You mean with a man? Years."

Her response was "Have you ever done that?"

Not that it was any of her damned business. "Yes," I snapped, "I have."

Here's what I wanted to say to her:

"Yes you dried up old school marm pussy. You would drop dead of a coronary if I told you how many men I fucked back in the day. And what the hell kind of question is that anyway?"

Actually, what I did say was something like maybe I should go find a guy with a big one; I could prep myself before my next visit with her.

"Just make sure," she said, "that it's not too big. You could hurt yourself."

So much for a woman married 40 years giving sex advice to a 50 something single lesbian. How the hell would she know what might go up there? Unless, of course, she's been up to something I don't know about.

Kinja, the weblog guide


Blogger Sandra said...

You're every mans dream Pammy - too bad for them huh?

9:41 PM PDT  
Blogger Cheryl said...

You know, it's pathetic how little your average health care professional knows about lesbian sexual practice. At my last ER, we all had to do an educational presentation one year. That's what I did mine on, after getting the approval of my department manager. It was mostly very well received but was only left in place for a few days, not the month it was intended.

Catholic hospital. What can I say? Believe me when I tell you it was well-read before it was removed! I got my point across. : )

10:18 PM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

LOL Sandra! I seriously doubt that I am every man's dream. More like his worst nightmare. Men may like me, but after about 5 minutes in my presence, they know to keep a respectful distance.

It is indeed pathetic Cheryl. But good for you for putting it out there. I'm betting that it was one of the more widely read presentations. If at all possible, this is why it helps to be out to your health care professional. It forces them to deal with the issues and hopefully helps them to take better care of other GLBT people.

6:50 AM PDT  
Blogger The Editor said...

I probably missed my calling to become a nun. I guess it is not ever too late. But, I’m not much into black dresses. :)

I had an embarrassing experience with a gynecologist a couple of years back. I had been back for a yearly appointment. The previous year I had been asked if I were sexually active. Of course, I wasn’t. Well, I was asked that again the next year and I had not been sexually active. The nurse asking the questions was very nice. Her questions were quick. I answered and she didn’t show any reaction. The gynecologist comes in and reads my records and says surprised, “You still haven’t had sex!”

Honestly, I wanted to crawl under something or leave. I was so embarrassed. I did not feel comfortable sharing with him that I was a lesbian.

Fortunately for me, he has never asked me that again. Of course, probably by now I would admit to him that I was gay. Last year’s appointment, in a round about way I admitted my sexual orientation. He discovered that I liked to run and asked me why I began running. I told him that I was trying to impress someone I liked and that person enjoyed running. He asked if it worked and I said no that she didn’t go out with me. He became silent and I concluded…But I’m still running.

I would tell you more war stories of gynecologist visits but I don’t want to “wear out my welcome” as we southerners like to say. Not to say that my stories are any more impressive or war like than anyone else’s. Just to me they are humdingers, you know.

Take care,


5:42 PM PDT  
Blogger NursePam said...

That one is a humdinger BF. Every time I hear a story like that, I cringe at the stupidity of some of my partners in the health care business. *hugs*

8:32 PM PDT  

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