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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Holidy Ennui

Is anyone else suffering from Holiday ennui? I love that word.

ennui \on-WEE; ON-wee\, noun:A feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction; dullness and languor of spirits, arising from lack of interest; boredom.

I did a fair amount of my shopping online this past Sunday. When I tried to complete this task last night, I found myself harboring a surprising amount of disinterest. The very thought of battling crowds at the mall sends me to my bed with a bottle of merlot and a good book.

I don't feel exactly like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. I'm not involved enough to be a grinch. I signed up for the office party and for the holiday gift exchange. I will buy the obligatory sparkly outfit and make the obligatory dish for the potluck. But at the moment it is without the warm fuzzy feelings of joy and good will toward humankind.

It's not the lack of snow. I hate snow. There are lights and decorations everywhere and carols on the radio. I fear I have lost my Christmas center. That part of me that loves the anticipation and the splendor.

I spoke with both of my sisters this past weekend and both said "Oh, don't bother to buy for us." I think that took some of the wind out of my sails. Usually, I love to buy gifts for my family. It's fun. It feels good. I don't really expect anything in return. One sister actually said they were cancelling Christmas. They're broke, she says.

This has been her mantra for years now. Although it didn't seem to stop her from spending like a drunken sailor. Hard not to do these days when you have young children. But I remember the year that we agreed to not give store bought gifts. We were going to send cards. So I designed a beautiful website with a page for each member of her nuclear family. I had to call several days after Christmas to see if they had opened it up. They forgot, of course. My sister caved in at the last minute and I received a teapot or some such thing in the mail.

Maybe it's the simple fact that I am no longer a child. Perhaps it is simply that I am taking my life much too seriously these days. It could be that I am harboring some secret, bitter despair that cannot see the light of day. Yet for the most part, I am a glass half full kind of person.

I talked to my sister about the 12 Step admonition which is to "fake it 'til you make it." It must be time for me to break out a few bars of Ave Maria and pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps. Wish me luck.

Kinja, the weblog guide


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ennui \on-WEE; ON-wee\, noun:A feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction; dullness and languor of spirits, arising from lack of interest; boredom.

and here i thought it was a small horned mammal that inhabits the African plains

10:07 AM PST  
Blogger G. L. Gross said...

As much as I can agree with you about the ennui that you are feeling, I always manage to cheer myself up. I think I just get giddy and silly because of seeing the expressions on people's faces when Xmas Eve does arrive. As usual, you honesty is refreshing.



8:01 PM PST  
Blogger ~ nellenelle said...

rofl at ttt... or the people of northern North America...

I suppose at some point it will click with me, but right now I'm in one of those reflective moods, soothing my soul to the music of Dar Williams.

It's a time of year where most of my effort is dedicated to staying focused and staying positive. Christmas meant my kidlets, and they aren't in the picture, so it's get my mind elsewhere.

We'll get there!


5:11 PM PST  

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