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21st Century Lesbian Trailer Trash

These are the mad musings of a middle aged woman, dyke, nurse, poet. I have a dog, a cat, a mobile home, and delusions of grandeur.

Location: California, United States

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Light As A Feather

Some days, I feel light as a feather. I could almost take flight. Most certainly my spirit soars. I watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants last night. One of the characters talked about stringing together all of the little bits of good until they seem bigger than all of the bad times and struggle that nip at our heels.

I think that I was born an optimist. Despite everthing I have lived through, I still believe that I will find my soul mate, and that there will be children in my life. I believe that I will have a beautiful home on a mountainside and that I will dance to the end of my days.

Some people may call me a fool. A person living in denial. I had one shrink try to diagnose me as bipolar.

Bipolar, bischmolar. I had a few good days mixed in with my depression. So sue me! I will grant you that I have done some self destructive things in my life. But nothing that has lost me a home.

I have made rash decisions that I regretted. I was forced to declare bankruptcy a number of years back. That was because I didn't really understand credit.

For that, I didn't need lithium. I needed some financial education. I needed to be slapped around a bit more by life. I needed to learn some hard lessons. I never went into a psychotic state that left me powerless over my less wise decisions.

I remember reading, many years ago, that the moods of a woman mirror the menstrual cycle. When her body is preparing a bed for a baby, she retreats into herself. She becomes quiet and introspective. And when her menses begin to flow, she turns outward, to the world of work, and people, and connection. I always thought that that was a beautiful way to describe the inner life of a woman.

It is the way of the Seasons of the earth. It is the cycle of renewal and rebirth. As women, we have a natural path to growth and healing.

Not to make light of the serious struggles thrust upon those who suffer mental illness. But please do not take away my highs and lows. Don't tell me to cheer up. Don't ask me to calm down. I insist upon, no, I demand! I demand to be fully, the woman that I am.

Kinja, the weblog guide


Blogger Seabiscuit said...

You will find your soulmate! You are truly beautiful! Absolutely gorgeous! Hugs

5:41 PM PDT  

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